Wow has it been that long!!!

As I sit here on a cold and rainy November night I am reminded that I haven't typed in so long and so much has happened that I feel I should catch everyone and even myself up to speed lol.  I will tell u first off my spelling and typing may be horrible due to my current medical issues.The last time I wrote anything was Sept of 2012 and little did I know how my life would be turned so upside down in such a short time. First off let me say this post may be very negative and hard for me to write cause im not in that place that i was at that time but here goes. I almost lost my house to a forclosure due to my ex husband who stopped paying the morgage over something that was told to him untrue. i was able to save mine and my childrens home by filing chapter 13 and we are still here an thank god for that. second as u know from my previous post i was fighting with my employer and insurance about my injury and finally settled out with them august of this year whew some peace of mind but backing up a bit. i went to see my ortho surgeon due to having still so much pain and difficulties after having the cervical fusion so he schedualed another mri and i will never forget the day he called me into his office to tell me that my fusion was healed but i had something that was called arnold chiari malformation which i had no idea what that was at the time. after doing some research and google which i dont reccomend when u are already scared i found out that its a malformation of the skull which causes the cerebral tonsils of the brain to herniate out of the skull and into your spine. Yep thats what i said, I couldnt believe this was all happenening to me why? what did i do to cause this why did i deserve over the course of 4 years seperating and divorced my husband and hurt my kids by it almost lose our home, have lumps removed from my breast thinking i had cancer, get injured at my job which i loved have to have plates and screws in my neck and lose my job to finding out i have an incurable disorder that i will play russian roulette with everyday to see what my body will face The Drs reccomend i have brain surgury in january of 2015 not as a cure but to stop the progression of the symptoms i have now and to hopefully let me have a better chance of symptom free for a while but there are no gaurentees and the surgury may fix nothing or it may help tremendusly and i will pray for god to put me on the right path. I became so angry at life and everyone i sunk into a dark hole that i thought i would never come out of i wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. I havedays where my head hurts so bad i wnt to smack it into a wall and i cant even lft up my neck ,passing out ,speech issues,nausea, forgetting the simplest things among so many other things my body was doing against me and most of all i was angry at god for doing this and allowing me to go thru this because i felt i didnt deserve it but truthfully at times i felt god was punishing me for all the wrong things i had done in my life and hurting my kids by seperating and divorcing there father boy was i wrong.God didnt do these things to me because he was trying to hurt or punish me he had his own reasons for why i have and am going thru the trails i am at this very moment. I thru a wonderful lady who i have met and has opened my eyes again to life and not to dwell in the misery and to open my heart again now am going back to church with my kids and fiancee yes i said it. i got engaged to a wonderful man in febuary of this year and he is my rock :) . I have also started a buisness opertunity by becoming a wellness advocate for doterra essentail oils and let me tell u they have become a game changer for me and the symptoms and pain i deal with on a daily basis and so wonderful to use on my kids as well.. Iam doing so much better these day now let me tell u there are still days where i want to crawl under a rock and wallow in my pain and thoes are the days where i fight and stay strong for  my family and myself and i pray and look to god to carry me thru. I know that I am on the road i need to be on and i welcome each day as it comes :) <3 I hope everyone is well and u keep smiling dont let your light burn out. Amen

Its been awhile

Hey everyone, I know it has been quite some time since i have blogged about anything so i will give u the update on whats been happening in my world. I had my surgury june 21st for the disc herniations in my c5-c7 that was a big thing for me and im still dealing with it everyday and probably will for the rest of my life. the pain i feel i thought would get better and in some cases it has but others its horrible. Im not able to lift more than a few lbs and turning or lifting my head at times is hard and painful. I start therapy in a week or so hopefully that will help a great deal. I am still out of work and will not return to the job i had proir to the surgury and am in letigation with the insurance and job as of right now :(. I am home with my kiddos right now and I can tell u being home with them even with not being able to do everything for them i should be has been realy great altho i mis my job i feel right now the best place for me to be while i recover is home with them. The drs are saying my best interest in not to go back in to the line of work i was doing as to all the medical issues i have but how do u start over doing something completly diff after 10 years of doing what you love. idk if i will be able to just give it up but also at what cost am i willing to risk my health long term either. Things are still the same with my ex we are at a place where we are there for the kids and not about hurting one another due to it not getting us anywhere. I am at the point in my marriage is do i regret being married to him for 12 years ...No but do i think that we are better off where we are now...Yes its better for the kids to have us not hate eachother and be parents to them and not take things out on eachother. Dont get me wrong there are plenty of days i want to hit him upside the head and be like wtf but i am sure there are days where he is just as frustrated with me. Its a part of life and our marriage ending and moving forward and I just want to be the best mother I can for my kids and as long as they are happy and not hurting i am doing right by them they come first over anyone or anything.The issue i deal with right now is the lonliness and being alone yes i have a few friends but dont see them like i wish i could and that is due to the surgury and being homebound and not able to do anything these few mnths I am hoping things will turn up and get back to normal. I am grateful to thoes that are in my life and comtinue to be there for me thru the ups and downs i love u and i am grateful for u everyday. Another issue is the financial due to being out of work i get next to nothing from comp and half goes to pay mine and the kids medical thru cobra over 800 dollars a mnth can u say ouch. Im sorry this blog post was more like me being debby downer than anything but in all honestly the past 3 or more mnths have been more down and negative then positive and im hoping that will change. As always thanks for reading and to all my friends new and old love you and keep smiling. shelley

Dealing with changes

Hey everyone sorry its been awhile since i have wrote to u all alot has gone on latley and figured i needed to gather myself and go from there. As of recently alot has gone on I am no longer working right now so no money comming in and due to have surgury in a few weeks and very nervous about that. For thoes who dont know i am having ACF which mean anterior cervical fusion its where they go in the front of my neck to fuse a herniated disc i have in the back. With things going the way they have gone without getting into to much detail not working also being hurt and of course adding the single mom of 3 and all the stresses and bologna that comes with that. I have asked many times why me, what did i ever do to deserve all that is happening to me right now have i done something to deserve what happens am i a mean person al they why why whys then i hear the other voice in my head usually its a friend i know saying your strong u can do it and if u just hang on everything will be ok. At times i want to believe her and truly think she is right and other times something happens to knock me right back down to where im like REALLY!!!. Some of u may read this and be like she is feeling sorry for herself and at some instance u may be right but unless u are in my shoes u cant truly understand. I left my home in canada many years ago and lately everyday just find myself wanting to go home and throw in the towel here but i know for my children thats not the answer they are grounded here and this is there life an i cant run from my issues and hurt them. At some point im sure everyone asks themselves why me and how much more do i have to bend until i break i am pretty close to breaking point now and all i can hope for is to have great ppl around me for support and for it only to go up from here. I guess there  is a saying whatever doesnt kill u just makes you stronger well i hope thats right. This sorta turned into a venting session for me but glad some of u will read and know just what i need to hear love u all and Keep smiling :)     Shelley

My project pan

Hey Everyone, for those of u who i know thru glamazon or those of my friends who i know. I have started getting back into all things makeup related some of u will know what a project pan is and for those of u who don't what it is is that when u have alot of makeup or beauty products u use a number of picked items until u hit pan or use up the 10 or 15 or whatever number u decide. U also don't buy any makeup or those products until its over. I have made an exception on this, thing i get as gifts or swaps im doing  i wont use but will buy for. I was told a while back that due to my marriage breaking up and  being out of work due to an injury and being lonely by not having alot of ppl around me that i have started to use makeup as a crutch, well i don't see it that way . I had  but also still have prolly due to certain ppl in my life still self esteem issues. I am now actually starting to feel good about the way i look and caring how i look when I'm out and ppl see me. I don't want to look like i just rolled out of bed lol. Well I think that's there opinion and I don't have to agree. Well back to the subject at hand here is my pan items I'm not going to list everything if there is something u would like to know what it is just ask i will also post as i finish or hit pan on these items they are alot since i wanted to give myself options. I also will post pics of the beauty things i finish up as well since im not just picking thoes things out to use up. Thanks guys and keep smiling ,Shelley.  From top to bottom   Face products, eye products, cheek and then lip :)

Why do we torture ourselves

Hey Everyone or should i say TGIF lol. I am writing this blog today about something that hits close to home with many of us as i know it does me. Im talking about our apearance and weight and how we see ourselves and how we let others see us. I belong to a group on fb and its about beauty and all things related and sometimes its just about chatting with ppl who share similar interests as u. I have noticed some posts about weight loss and what to do what to cut out what good stuff to eat and all that it entails and i think alot of us look to se what others have done and hope to try it and if by magic works for us as well. I know for me i am all about new things to try and do to lose weight I have struggled as long as i can remember with my weight and the scales have gone up and down for years its a constant worry of mine that i am trying to overcome. I feel why should we let others or magazines or tv dictate to us how we should look or feel about the way we look if u are healthy and happy about the way u look then woo hoo thats great. I remember as a kid the comments oh you are so pretty if only u would lose weight or the are u sure u need to eat that even now as an adult my mother with the your putting on weight again comment  and im back again to feeling like the kid who has her hand in the cookie jar.I have ppl who tell me all the time i am beautiful or pretty or good looking and im fine the way i am but when i see me i dont see what they see and i think alot of us are like that. If we felt good about us all the time we would all be happier right?. I have also noticed recently on our group there are a few ladies one in perticular that make videos on youtube about doing what they love and they get made fun of on how they look or anything. i see it like this thoes ppl that have the nerve to make hateful comments and personally attack them are insecure about themselves and they must bring others down to built themselves up and that is wrong thoes ladies have alot of guts more than me for sure to post videos on yt about things they love i couldnt i have a hard enough time posting a pic in fear of getting a negative comment so i say keep your heads up girls and guys and dont let them win u are stronger than u know.If we are happy with ourselves then who cares about what others say or what the ideal look is in magazines or tv if more of us including myself adapted that way of thinking everyday then we would be alot happier and we wouldnt have so many ladies with self esteem issues or self worth issues. I know I have weight to lose for my health as i have medical issues that require me to be a smaller size but i am happier now with the way i look recently than i have in a long time and thats due to the people i have in my life at this time. I know im rambling again lol so in closing i feel that any way u look from a size 2 to a size 22 we are all worth the same and should feel that way.
HUGGS to u all and keep smiling.  Shelley

Friendship

Hey everyone, This blog is going to be about friendship. After moving here seven years ago I left alot of my friends back home in canada to be here with my husband and depended on him for friendship and it was very hard for me to feel like I had nobody and no friends here that was a mistake as now we are not together and i should have put myself out there more to the ppl where i live. as the years have gone by I have met ppl and have had ppl come and go in my life but as I grow older i can come to the realization that u just dont have the same kinds of friends now as an adult that u had when u were younger, well unless u are still friends with thoes ppl as i am as well but there in another country. Dont get me wrong I have one or two ladies in my life right now i can sometimes call friends but not the same kind i had from back home the always there for u no matter how much time has passed u are still the best of friends. A friend from back home told me at this age we are more picky in the types of friends we have in our life due to wanting quality of friendship and not quantity I totally agree i would rather had one friend that i share everything  and have that true friendship than many so called friends who appear to be there when the s--t hits the fan or if u say something random one day out of anger or hurt and u get the everything ok but when is all said and done no longer there but not the day to day life..I want a friend who is there for me not out of convience or boredome and i agree yes may have a busy life but will always make time for me as i would them. I have been very disapointed since moving here that i havent found the friends that i have back home as i am a very social girl its a part of me. Since having all the medical issues i have now have and being sperated in my marriage i have really realized  my true friends and who is truly there for me. IDK maybe i want to much or maybe its my issue that i need to change whatever the case is its saddening to me as i am older i dont have this in my life. I have been disapointed and let ppl hurt me and have also had ppl in my life that shouldnt have been there and dont deseve to be there. I guess as i grow older i will have to be accept  the fact of im ok with me and just me and i dont need other ppl in my life to make me the type of person i should be. As women we are social and like to have other ladies around to share what girls have in friendship. I have come to know alot of women and one or two guys who are very special to me and i am glad to have gotten to know them just wish some of them were closer lol. So that was my sort of rant for the week still not sleeping ? thats good cause i can usually go on lol. hope u all have a great week and keep smiling. Huggs :0

Starting Fresh

Hey Everyone, I am new to this blogging stuff and a friend told me if u like to write then start one lol. I will give u the into on my life so far in my 36 almost 37 years (the condensed version lol) I was born and raised in Ontario canada. I met my husband who is american in 1998 and got married in 1999 and had 2 children together, I have a daughter from a previous relationship. I moved to pensylvania 7 years ago we lived apart for awhile due to jobs and visas. We unfortunatly are seperated now and I am a single mom to three wonderful kids so there is my life in the shortened version lol. My kids are 17, 11 and 8 and they are my life My oldest is my heart and everyday i look at her she amazes me on how mature and like me she really is. My 11 year old is my outgoing girly girl who is the life of any party lol she is willing to make friends anywhere and is only shy when it suits her lol. My son is my baby at 8. He was diagnosed at a early age with autisim and everyday he makes me proud of how much he is growing and he is very lovable. i am a cna for 9 years now and I love what I do taking care of other people I swear is my calling and I couldnt see myself doing anything else you may see me write about being out of work due to an injury at work I herniated 2 discs in my back and am awaiting surgury to correct these issues as the other things I have tried (therapy, Spinal injections) havent worked. I take things one day at a time and deal with them the best i can.I have recently in the past few mnths found a love of makeup and have have talked and become friends with great ladies who love it i think more than me but not much more lol. i probably wont write here every day but i will try as i might o write once a week even if its just random stuff lol. hopefully u idnt fall asleep after the first paragraph i tend to ramble at times lol.    Have a great day and keep smiling  <3 <3  :)